memories in the mess

having to change everything but not wanting to change anything is taking everything i've got.

i'm pretty sure i'm developing a case of obsessive compulsive disorder. i have avoided cleaning my room for months. it started when i broke my foot, and i was on bed rest for a month or so. and then, as much as i've hated the mess, i've put it off. i'd rather be with him. pathetic excuse really, but it is the reason for the neglected room. with every pile there is a memory. i can't throw the candy wrappers away. because thats the candy we ate after easter while watching csi. i can't throw that bag away, because thats when we bought those oreos at walmart. i can't wash that shirt, because thats what i wore when i was sick and you came and made my night. i cant throw away that boot, because i wore that when you so kindly helped me through the hardest time in my life.

i realize this a pathetic way to look at things.

but it's what happening. the closer i get to letting go, the tighter i'm holding on. i'm forcing myself to clean and throw away most things. and yes, even wash my clothes. but it doesn't come without tears and the fear of him leaving. but it's going to happen, and i'm going to do this! i'll run my guts out after i've done all i can for the night. running is the only thing i can do while i'm alone to get away from my own thoughts. maybe this mission thing is some kind of sick joke to get me into shape.

it's not funny.

rain, cupcake cravings, and killing spiders

hello, i am blogging.

therefore i am a blogger

i went to the orthodontist today because my retainer was digging into my mouth. i am now getting a new one. they wanted me to get the new, modern, clear retainers. call me old fashion, but i like the old ones, you know the acrylic ones with the wires that go over your teeth. mine is rainbow, with my school mascot in the middle. it may be juvenile, but i have kind of grown to like it. i requested they try and duplicate my new one to look like the old one. the orthodontist thought i was being silly, but i was being very serious. i can't wait to get my new one.

i am still in my pink pajamas. my hair is a mess. it's raining outside, so naturally i am craving startbucks and fancy gourmet cupcakes. this is a reasonable craving, correct?

i found a giant spider on the floor in my jeans. invasive much? i feel so violated. i have can now say i've had a spider try to get into my pants.

lance leaves in less then a month. i'm too wimpy to actually go count out the days. i avoid calenders at all costs. it makes me physically sick to look at those little squares, and see them dwindle away with each passing day. it's only 2 years right? somedays i feel like that is nothing, other days i feel like thats an eternity. but the point is: it's happening. and i will be happy for me, and for him.

how do you end these things?

like,

bye?

or over and out-

or k i'm done.

not so sure

but i am ending this never the less.

love taylor